Rant: People and Situations which Irk Me

כ"ב לחודש השמיני תשע"ו

1. People at the store who are told how much their purchases cost, but continue packing them, instead of getting out their money to pay.

2. People who get in the Express line with way more than the limit.

3. Cashiers who let them get away with it.

4. Any store employee who is talking on the phone, or doing something else before taking my money, forcing me to wait unnecessarily.

5. Stupid people employed to educate our children.

6. Governments which hire stupid people to educate our children.

7. People who insist that my directions are wrong, even though the successfully arrived at their destination, only because of my directions.

8. People who ask questions repeatedly, even after I already gave them the answer, and then want to argue with me about how I'm wrong. (So, next time, don't bother asking me!)

9. Bosses who play their employees against each other.

10. Bosses who give their employees mixed messages.

11. Bosses who are "never wrong."

12. People who sing or play or play a musical instrument on the bus, or at a bus stop, because they know that we want to hear them play. (Actually, they just don't care.)

13. People who scream out what their reading on the bus,...because it's for our benefit.

14. People who take my inventory.

15. People who share their results of the inventory they took.

16. People who believe that I should actually care about the results of the inventory they took.

17. People who tell me how I am feeling, especially when they're wrong.

18. People who tell what I should or shouldn't do, like smile, especially when I don't know them, and were certainly not friends.

19. "Friends" whom I'm always the one calling to go hang out, and not only are never available, but never offer an alternative date and time to hang out.

20. "Friends" who hang out with me, only because  they're bored and they find me to be "entertaining."

21. People who expect to speak to me, because it's convenient for them, and couldn't care less whether or not it's convenient for me. (This is called "hijacking" someone's time.)

22. People who do not R. S. V. P.

23. Strangers who touch me, even though I have given absolutely no indication that it's OK to do so.

24. People who touch me, even though I have already, and specifically, told them not to.

25. People who consider something a fact, without supportive evidence. (Just call it a theory or hypothesis, and we're good.)

26. Inappropriate locker room behavior.

27. People who drive too fast in areas where they know there are children playing.

28. People who don't supervise their children.

29. People who don't take responsibility for their children's behavior. (It's all society's fault? Seriously?)

30. American tourists, who don't even bother to learn yes, no, please, and thank-you in the language of the countries where they're traveling.

31. Passive-aggressives.

32. Hypocrites.

Esser Agaroth Year in Review תשע"ה/5775

ג׳ לחודש השביעי תשע״ו

After a long hiatus, I have brought back my annual Top Ten Words and Phrases post, renaming it to the more precise "Year In Review."

Here is a look back at the significant trends of תשע"ה/5775. Let's just that I hope for a much improved תשע"ו/5776.

10. Refugees
Where from Africa or Syria, whether to allow them in to Israel or not, the Israeli Government seems to care more about "refugees," and what they can do to boost its public image and overall standing in the eyes or the "international community," than its own citizens.

9. Infiltrators

Same thing, different word. 'Nuff said.

8. Women of the Wall
Yep! They're still around! The most, simultaneously hysterical and pathetic thing about the Hags of the Wall is that they have no clue that they're just being used as pawns. Unfortunately, they may be successful in convincing some naive, and perhaps disenfranchised Jews, that they represent anything even remotely related to Judaism.

7. BDS

Boycotting, Divesting, and Sanctioning Israel may just be the kick in the pants we need to wake up! Unfortunately, we Jews are too busy whining about it to notice.

6. ISIS
Israel is pretty surrounded by ISIS in the Sinai Desert, Azza (Gaza), Syria, and who knows what's going on in Jordan. We also have a suggestion here and there, that ISIS is already in Israel, having either sneaked in from abroad, or just inspired Israeli Arabs to join up via Internet.

ISIS Banner on the Temple Mount
Summer תשע״ד/2014

No doubt, the Israeli government will take advantage of the ISIS threat as a means to show the Israeli public that it needs it to protect them.

Shimon Peres

5. Shimon Peres
Shimon Peres wants to give away parts of our Divinely Promise Land, join together Esau (The West) with Yishma'el (Arabs/Muslims), and encourage our assimilation into Western, "progressive" culture, the antithesis of Torah. Doesn't anyone else see this?

4. Jewish Terrorism

Fatah Emblem

(eyes rolling) Fear mongering by the Israeli government and it loyal minyons trying to scare the public into believing that Torah observant activists are equated with Taliban, Iran, and ISIS, and will take everyone's Western "progressive," assimilation "rights" away if they had the chance. Pseudostinians who kill Jewish babies are "freedom fighters" in the eyes of the world, and in the eyes of many Jews as well. PA President Mahmud Abbas's Fatah Party emblem clearly  shows its ultimate goal for the Land of Israel,...erasing it from the map. But, Jews daring to ask questions about authentic Torah observance are "terrorists."

3. Torah vs. State

This year we have more reports than I can remember regarding the conflicts between Torah Low and Israeli Law. But, instead of talking about the conflict, religious lackeys of the Israeli Government insist on arguing that any conflict between the two does not exist.

2. Iran

Iran still insists on wiping us out, and apparently, so do the U. S. President and Secretary of State.


Maybe it is time to turn for help to the only one who can actually do something to protect us from Iran, and I don't mean any human power either.

1. Meir Ettinger

Meir Ettinger

People see this name, and are scared. Why? Because he is sitting in jail without indictment, conviction or trial, and absolutely no evidence whatsoever of any wrongdoing? Because he wrote some articles? In other countries, one would expect him to be called a "political dissident." However, Meir Ettinger has the wrong religion, the wrong beliefs, and the wrong loyalties for that.

In case you interested in what Meir Ettinger has actually said, and actually believes, you can read it here for yourself, instead of relying on rumors and lies.

ADL's Top 10 Anti-Israel Groups in the U.S.: Ammended by Esser Agaroth (2¢)

ראש החודש התשיעי תשע"ד 

Arutz 7: ADL Names Top 10 Anti-Israel Groups in the U.S.
Anti-Zionist Neturei Karta sect on the list of the ten most influential and active anti-Israel groups in America.

Elad Benari, October 22, 2013

The anti-Zionist Neturei Karta hareidi sect was named on Monday one of the top 10 most influential and active anti-Israel groups in the United States, in a list released by the Anti-Defamation League (ADL).

Each of the groups on the list, according to ADL’s research, is “fixated with delegitimizing Israel” and has demonstrated the ability to reach new segments of the American public with a hostile and misleading narrative about Israel, the organization said in a statement.

The top 10 anti-Israel Groups, as identified by ADL, are:

ANSWER (Act Now to Stop War and End Racism)
American Muslims for Palestine
CODEPINK
Friends of Sabeel-North America
If Americans Knew/Council for the National Interest
Jewish Voice for Peace
Muslim Public Affairs Council
Neturei Karta
Students for Justice in Palestine
U.S. Campaign to End the Israeli Occupation

“The Top 10 anti-Israel groups are the most significant players in the domestic anti-Israel movement today,” said Abraham H. Foxman, ADL National Director.

“The groups are fixated on delegitimizing Israel and convincing the American public that Israel is an international villain that deserves to be ostracized and isolated,” he added.

In compiling the list, ADL considered various criteria, including the groups’ ability to organize, sponsor and endorse Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) campaigns against Israel; their sponsorship of and participation in anti-Israel rallies, panel discussions or conferences; and their ability to pursue anti-Israel policy initiatives and lobbying efforts against Israel.

In addition to their national impact and influence, many of the groups included in the list are known to employ rhetoric that is extremely hostile to Israel, Zionists and/or Jews. Examples of this include: Allegations that Israel or Jews control the U.S. government or the media;

Offensive parallels to the Holocaust by comparing Israeli leaders to Nazis or describing Gaza as the “new Auschwitz;”

Calls for the dismantlement of the state of Israel;

Expressions of support for terrorist groups that seek Israel’s destruction.

“The list represents the worst of the worst anti-Israel groups,” said Foxman. “They lob any and every accusation against Israel, including charges of Nazi-like crimes, ‘apartheid’ policies, ethnic cleansing, war crimes and genocide. Their accusations are rarely, if ever, balanced with an acknowledgement of Israel’s repeated efforts to make peace with the Palestinians, or the legitimate terrorism concerns faced by Israeli citizens.” (cont.)

Esser Agaroth (2¢):
The ADL forgot one very important group on its list of anti-Israel groups in the U. S.:

The ADL

...which defends Muslims,...and which condemns a prominent Israeli rabbi for following the Torah, over State law.

Actually, it forgot several:

AIPAC -  American Israel Political Action Committee -Lobbies for a 2-State Solution. How is that "pro-Israel?"
Conference of Presidents of Major Jewish Organizations
The Israel Project - Israeli Gov't party line - front for a left-wing, two-state agenda.
USA/RA - The so-called "Conservative Movement" and its minyons
UAHC/CCAR - Union of American Hebrew Congregations (the so-called "Reform" Movement)
JRF - Jewish Reconstructionist Federation - The so-called "Conservative Movement's" ugly, loud-mouth, little sister - not terribly important, except that they think they are.
"Rabbis" For Peace - I put the word "Rabbis" in quotation marks, and "peace" should actually be spelled "piece," in their case. They are nothing but self-hating, Western-assimilated, Arab-loving Jews (many of them are probably Jewish), and distort the Torah.
CAIR - Council on American-Islamic Relations
CFR - Council on Foreign Relations
World Council of Churches (fill in any evangelical Christian group here)They want to be our friends now? (Read: in order to steal Jewish souls AND the Land of Israel, of which they believe the are the true inheritors.)

...and last, but not least...

The United States Government itself

The ADL is about pro-Israel as Neturei Karta, which is #8 on its own list of anti-Israel groups. At least Neturei Karta believes that Israel, all of Israel, is the homeland of the Jewish People, just not right now, and not in the way that the State of Israel was created in 1948. They also believe that the rule of law will be the Torah, a far cry from the typical "democracy" (ie. deMOCKracy) bologna, of these supposedly "pro-Israel," Jewish groups.

These groups are anti-Torah, anti-Jewish claims to the Land of Israel, do nothing to encourage aliyah (immigration to Israel), and thus, anti-Jewish, all because these Western-assimilationists are confused and full of themselves.

Top Ten Hidden Gems of Jerusalem

 ט"ו לחודש השישי תשע"ג

I wrote this positive and upbeat piece to balance out the more smarmy Top Ten Pretentious Hangouts in Jerusalem.

10. Cafe Neto, Central Bus Station, 3rd Floor
Most of you know how much I try to avoid "chains." According to my mother['s halakhah], the chain stores one is allowed give ones patronage are Nordstom and Neiman-Marcus, and when she is in a charitable mood, Macy's. But, I digress... Not to be confused with all of the other Cafe Neto's around the country, this Jerusalem institution for natives, students, and tourists, makes an awesome "toast" with salad dressings added onto to the skillet at the end of "toasting" for that gourmet, fast food taste! But, the super friendly service and efficiency are Cafe Neto's trademark. Remember, speed is crucial when you have to catch a bus! I remember very clearly a young, mentally disabled lady, who asked for, and got a hug from one of the coffee jockeys. It was very touching to see, and it was clear that it was given from a genuine place. I had been going there for years already, but I was won over even more by that gesture. This internet cafe (ie. "neto") also has a printer for those urgent situations when pen and paper just won't cut it. Cafe Neto is certified kosher by the Jerusalem Rabbanuth-Mehadrin division (Dairy), with a meat satellite on another part of the floor.

9. Martziano's Baguette Giv'ath Sha'ul, is another Jerusalem institution for big sandwiches with fresh shnitzel, shwarmah, qabbab, and cold cuts, soups, a large variety of salads, and Thursday night chollent, open late, and crowded after any Beitar Yerushalayim football (soccer) match. Certified kosher by the Jerusalem Rabbanuth-Mehadrin division (Meat), the manager will tell you which meats have which heksher, for those who are maqpid.

8. Allo Teiman! (Hello, Yemen!) is at the main entrance to the modern City of Jerusalem, coming in from the coast. Open late, authentic Yemenite food is served here. In addition to three or four different kinds of meat on a spit, the soups are a big hit here. Kashruth supervision by Rav Shlomo Mahpud.

7. T'mol Shilshom, Nahalath Shiv'ah
Named after the novel by Shai Agnon (1945), this choice for my list of gems may surprise you, as some think this place, overlooking Yoel Solomon Street is way too trendy, and maybe it is. But, the homey feel to the interior design and the standard, but strong dairy and vegetarian menu, and the semi-hidden away location gives this restaurant my vote. I remember when it was primarily coffee and books, with a burgeoning English language, poetry slam on Wednesday nights. Now, it is a Jerusalem institution. Try the velvety carrot soup. You might like it, even if you do not like carrots. Jerusalem Rabbanut (Dairy).

6. The Shuq-Mahaneh Yehudah
There are all kinds of eateries and pubs open at night, all through the Shuq, and on some the neighboring side streets, including live music a couple nights a week. Many of the restaurants are also open during the day. Nu? Who knew? Enjoy!

5. Navah Cafe, Center City
Sit and have coffee in the trendy part of town, without being trendy! Navah is an old school, Israeli coffeehouse, with a facelift. It serves great salads, pasta dishes, desserts, and is one of the few places which actually serves a decent cup of coffee. I suppose I am spoiled. Kashruth certification is from the Jerusalem Rabbanuth (Dairy).

4. HaFinjan, Agrippas St. 149
A favorite of my friends Pini and David, HaFinjan is THE place for Israeli home cooking. Qubeh, lamb stew, ful, soups, vegetables, and, of course, humous. You name it! Meet Hayim, the owner, and you will feel right at home. Incidentally, a finjan is basically any vessel used for making coffee, with a handle. But, the one pictured right is what one might traditionally consider a finjan.

3. Sushiya, Nahla'oth
This traditional sushi bar, where your order is prepared right in front of you, is located off the main drag, where only locals, and their friends, and now you, can find it! (Trumpedor & Betzalel) A friendly, and unpretentious staff serve you and your friends at the bar, at the single booth, or outside at this very small, but cozy venue. The religious, Israeli-American supplier fish supplier eats there himself. There are vegetarian options, miso soup, and booze for those of you whom imbibe. Kosher (pareve) - Jerusalem Rabbinuth.

2. הסלון בשבזי | Hasalon Beshabazi, Nahla'oth
I haven't been here, yet, but I can tell it is one of the places to go, and be seen. Couches on the inside and plenty of seating on the outside, with occasional events such as music, discussions, and a vintage fashion.

1. Y-Coffeebar, Nahla'oth
I feel ambivalent about revealing my secret hang-out, on Nissim Bechar Street. It's mostly locals, their friends, and the occasional tourist who accidentally finds us, usually someone with a backpack, or at least an interesting story to tell. So far, this is where I have had the best cup of coffee in Israel, after mine made from a $2,000 Italian machine, at the Internet cafe where I used to work.

Now, it's your turn. Please leave your suggestion for a Jerusalem gem as a comment below!

Top Ten Signs You've Lived In Israel for a While

ערב שבת קודש פר' ראה תשע"ג

10. You know which post offices have the shortest lines in your city.

9. You speak to an English-speaking tourist. He looks at you dumbfounded. And then you realize that half of the words you just used were actually Hebrew.

8. You happened to be walking through a dark alley in the Talpiyoth Indutrial Zone, and you bump into someone you know.

7. Kids speaking Hebrew, talking on the phones, messing around, and playing music loudly on the bus does not bother you. But, when someone is speaking in English loudly it does.

6. Americans accuse you of being from a part of your country of origin than you really are, due to the loss of your distinct regional accent.

5. Native Israelis can tell, more or less, where you live in Israel, by how you dress and/or which slang you use. (eg. אין דבר כזה vs. אין כזה דבר)

4. When you search for an apartment, you better than to look at any ads in English, because you know they are automatically going to be twice as much as anything in advertized in Hebrew.

3. When you are introduced to a fellow English-speaker in Hebrew, and you stick to speaking in Hebrew, or at least half and half.

2. When they shop calling you "sir" or "ma'am" in the Shuq, and start calling you "friend" or "brother."

1. You forget a word in English.

Top Ten Pretentious Hang-Outs In Jerusalem

י"ט לחודש הרביעי תשע"ג

Emeq Refa'im: The main street runnin
through the German Colony neighborhood

10. Shosh Café in Rechavia
Generic Rechavia pretension.

9. The Village Green on Yaffo Street
Look how frum and healthy I am, and look at me talking very loudly about health and kashruth,...without too much concern for the amount I am inhaling.

8. Greens in Sha'arei Hessed
Pretension for frum families. Overpriced for one, and only one, reason: It is located in Sha'arei Hessed. Wearing your shortest skirt and longest sheitel is a must!

7. Sushi Rechavia on Emeq Refaim
The modestly-priced place to be seen,...dining outside.

"Aroma Espresso Bar"

6. Aroma Café on Hillel (Open on Shabbos)
Look at how hard I'm studying, while I sneak a peek once in a while at a potential sexual conquest.

5. Aroma Café on Har HaTzofim-Hebrew University
Ashkenazy and "Ashkenized," secular elite in training.

4. Aroma Café on Emeq Refa'im
OK. So, by now you should have figured out that most anyplace on Emeq Refa'im is pretentious, mostly for tourists, and "one-year Israelis."

3. Most Any English-speaking Schul in Qatamon
Um,...no surprises here. Just get over it.... 

P. S. "Shtieblach," just like "gush," is an IMPERSONAL noun, not a personal one.

2. Coffee Shop on Azza
Kind of like Aroma, but with more computers, and a closed out smoking section.

And the most pretentious hang-out in Jerusalem is...

1. Tahanat HaCafe ("The Coffee Mill") on Emeq Refa'im
Pretension so thick, it can be cut with a knife. Self-importance and leftist arrogance are gross understatements.

*********

Please leave a comment with your recommendation for pretentious hang-outs in Jerusalem.

Esser Agaroth's Top Five Segulos

ערב ראש החודש השלישי תשע"ג

This post was inspired by a report, a ways back, about a segulah vending machine. Pick your segulah, deposit your money, and you're good to go.

What will they think up next? I have a friend who had the idea of selling shiraim (leftovers) from the Rebbes' Shabbos Tish through a vending machine during the week, for those who could not make it for that Shabbos. Press 1 for Toldos Aharon, 2 for Toldos Avraham Yitzchak, 3 for Karlin, etc. Then press Alef for chicken, Bet for kugel, Gimmel for soda water, and so on.

Too bad, this friend of mine did not go ahead with the idea. He probably could have made a fortune.

For more on the latest segulos, check in with Rafi at Life In Israel. He keeps track of these things better than I do.

Anyway, here are my Esser Agaroth (2¢) regarding the segulah vending machine idea:

First off, praying is NOT a segulah. It is a misswah., and, in my humble opinion, should not be underestimated. Every time we pray we are also (hopefully) acknowledging that HaShem is in charge, not us.

1. Difficulties with conceiving a child:

Segulah: Visiting a fertility specialist

*This is a very painful situation for couples. not trying to make light, not in the least. Rather, many couples remain in their pain, paralyzed from seeking medical help, embarrassed. Please visit Machon Pu'ah for more information.

2. Difficulties finding a spouse:

Segulah #1: Meet a psychotherapist, a counselor, a shiddukh specialist, and/or a rabbi to receive guidance on what middoth (personality traits) to work on, and how.

Segulah #2: Go on a frickin' date.

3. Parnassah (financial success):

Segulah #1: Get a job.

Segulah #2: Continuing education, vocational training and re-training

*Giving tzedaqah (charity) is not discounted here. But, as the Ramba"m might suggest: be smart about it.

4. Long Life:

Although the Torah explicitly relates the misswoth of honoring ones parents and shilu'ah haqen (sending a bird from its nest, before taking its eggs) "to the lengthening of ones days," a healthy diet and exercise are recommended. 

5. Jews desiring to live in the Holy Land:

Get on the plane! Yep, it's as simple as that.

For Men Only: Esser Agaroth's Miqwah (Mikveh) Guide

ט"ז לחודש הראשון תשע"ג

I am sure that there are women sneaking peeks at this post, even though it is only for men. And so, I will try to be modest careful with my wording. If you would like more detailed information about men and miqwa'oth (Jewish ritual baths), you may contact me personally by leaving a comment, which will only be published if you say so, or you may contact your local [Orthodox] rabbi.

Miqwah customs for men vary greatly. Many Hassidim tovel (immerse) everyday. Even though the gezirah of Ezra haSofer has not been in force for some time now. Some Jews tovel Erev (afternoon before) Shabbath and Erev Yom Tov. Others only before Yom Tov (holiday). Still others, only on Shavu'oth and Erev Yom Kippur, or just Erev Yom Kippur, which many consider to be a universal custom among Jews.

One of the first things I learned about the miqwah was the custom of not covering oneself with a towel or otherwise, so as not to show embarrassment over ones brith milah of Avraham Avinu. The are customs of specific groups related to tzni'uth (modesty), such as Satmar and Toldos Aharon/Avraham Yitzhaq Hassidim, and others. However, if you do not have these group specific customs, I would like to suggest that any issues with nudity in front of other men may stem from the values and sensibilities you grew up with in galuth (exile), and may want to look a look at those. Just a suggestion...

Below are my list of pet peeves, to help you lighten up about taking advantage of your local miqwah. But, the bottom line, in my opinion, is better to go to the miqwah, and do what is comfortable for yourself (ie. covering yourself with a towel), than not go at all.

After the pet peeves is a review of the miqwa'oth where I have been, followed by a couple of helpful miqwah links.

Esser Agaroth's (2¢) Miqwah Pet Peeves

10. Men who take up more bench space and wall hooks than they actually need.

9. Men who do not take responsibility for their children's behavior,...in OR outside of the miqwah.

8. Children who play around in the pools, and do not allow men room enough room to tovel. (*Children who do get out of the way, and only play when no one needs the space are fine, in my book, but should be supervised.)

7. Men who are super-duper uptight,...and think that everyone else should be,.

6. Men who want to impose their customs on everyone else.

5. Men who go into the miqwah without washing, either in the available showers there, or at home.

4. Men who splash all over the place when they tovel, and do so voraciously.

3. Men who doing cannonballs to enter the miqwah. (Yes! I have personally witnessed this!)

2. Men who tovel (dunk/immerse) a bazillion times, when there is a line, and room for for only one or two.

And Esser Agaroth's (2¢) No. 1 miqwah pet peeve is...

1. Men brushing up against me, when they have to yet to shower. That's not just inconsiderate; it's gross!

The Esser Agaroth (2¢) Miqwah Guide
(listed from north to south)

The Ariza"l's Miqwah, Tzfath

Tzfath:
Ariza"l's Miqwah - Freezing!! I was told that this feeling was due to the difference in temperature of the water vs. the air in the summer. Heimish (homey). Room for only one at time, so I hope that you don't get stuck in line behind someone with the custom of dunking over a hundred times!

The Kinnereth (Sea of Galilee) - I was here once with friends, and enjoyed it. Swimming out far enough provided plenty of privacy. Friends can guard each others bathing suits while toveling. See the notes below on The Mediterranean, as well.

The Mediterranean Sea - depends on where you go for your miqwah experience. I, myself, have only been to Tel-Aviv (religious beach - heimish), Netanyah (salty), and Nahariyah (very nice). The only advice I would give to you is to find an uncrowded, quiet place, not just for your privacy, but for kewannah (intention, thoughts). Please also do not go alone. The old, curmudgeony lifeguard in me insists on reminding you how dangerous the sea (and pools) can be, no matter how good of a swimmer you are. Anyone can bump his head by accident, or get sucked out by a particularly strong riptide and drown (לא עלינו).

Giv'ath Shmu'el:
Add this miqwah to the list of uptight communities. The advantage of this miqwah is that it is not very crowded, even though there are only four showers and one pool. Even Erev Yom Kippur I did not have to wait long to dunk. Everyone went in and out in an orderly fashion. Giv'ath Shmu'el is a Tel-Aviv suburb, surrounded by Petah Tiqwah, B'nei B'raq, and Bar-Ilan University

Har Berakhah:
On the way to the main town from the Hawarah Road, there is a natural miqwah on the left. There is willow tree conveniently located there, too, where many cut their "arvoth" for their lulavim an Hoshana Rabba bundles.


K'far Tapu'ah:
The now closed, old miqwah was very heimish. Once in a while we would dunk on hot Shabbath afternoons. The new miqwah, which is the old women's miqwah is nothing to write home about.

Eli:
B'nei David Yeshivah - Very small, not a lot of room in the entire space. Four men would feel crowded, six even if you're close friends.

Between Shilo and Eli there is a natural miqwah on the way to the Eli Cemetery. Many have told me that they like this miqwah. It's popular for kids to go down there.  But, be careful.  There has been at least one terrorist attack there.

Shiloh:
Old - Heimish, but is it still open? It is also down at the bottom of the hill.  Once you climb back up to the top of the town, you're already sweaty! The new miqwah in the Hesder Yeshivah, is extremely uptight! Individual changing rooms. A pain in the neck, having to knock and wait for someone to come and open the door. This is my least favorite miqwah.  Although, I have been told that is it kasher for ascending Har HaBayith, and those who tovel for that purpose are not required to pay.  So, that is on the plus side, being supportive of ascending Har HaBayith.

Beth El B'
Standard, heimish, not uptight. Plenty of private shower stalls. Private, one at a time, pool available.

Ofra:
Private showers and bath-rooms available. My guess is that it's the old women's miqwah.

Jerusalem:

Photo Credit: Lametayel

Batei Rand, Nahla'oth - Shy men be forewarned! There are no secrets in this miqwah! There are three pools, and it's very heimish. But, it can get very crowded Erev Shabbath in the afternoon. So arrive early. The kelim miqwah (shown left) is always open. I large rocks sits on top of the cover to prevent any hazards.

Lifta - Below the Giv'ath Sha'ul and Mattersdorf neighborhoods, at the entrance to the city, below the Ramot Road, Lifta is formed by the outpouring of a natural, underground spring. People can be seen bringing empty bottles to fill for drinking. I would make sure that no one is touring the cave with muddy shoes, before deciding to do the same. Lifta was once the name of the surrounding village, abandoned by Arabs during the Israeli War of Independence. The main problem is that it is crowed in the summer, including women and families, which makes toveling awkward.

Zupnik on Strauss St.

Zupnik, Strauss Street (Eidah Haredis) - One of, I believe, only two miqwa'oth in Jerusalem with steam rooms. The other one, I was told, is somewhere in the Ramath Shlomo neighborhood. I have heard that men are now required to wear a towel-skirt in order to go into the steam room. There are other restrictions, too. I recommend asking before entering. A long list of rules is on the wall inside. This miqwah installed automatic water shut-off nozzles long ago, for water conservation. I believe that all miqwa'oth should do the same.

Stern's, Me'ah She'arim - Refurbished, heimish, plenty of room. The men are know to share showers, military style, so you don't have to waste time waiting, when it is crowded. There are three good sized pools, hot, warm, and cold.

Zupnik, Giv'ath Sha'ul - Cleaner than most, never too crowded, except close to sheqi'ah. The Kelim Miqwah is always open. It's high enough and on an angle to prevent children from getting into it.

R' Hayim Vital Street, Giv'ath Sha'ul - Pretty standard, two pools, plenty of room, 9 or 10 showers. Friendly.

Beth HaKerem - Small, can get crowded later in the afternoon. The kelim miqwah is open on Erev Shabbath.

Erloi Yeshivah, corner of Rachel Imeni and Hizqiyahu HaMelekh, Old Qatamon - old school, very mixed, as in all kinds of men are seen there. Don't be afraid to ask "What do I do now that I'm here?" They're used to it.

Rehovoth
Rabbanuth - a few blocks south of the Central Bus Station - Nice, clean, multiple changing rooms, pools on both ends, cold on one side, hot on the other. They is at least one other miqwah in Rehovoth run by Vizhnitzer Hassidim.

Bat Ayin:
I have not been to this natural miqwah south of Jerusalem myself, but I have been told that it is the favorite of many. A man-made structure surrounds it.

Ein Gedi:
The Hidden Waterfall, up from to The Dead Sea - the "other" trail, which begins south of the main trail, is less crowded. The goal is to reach the "hidden waterfall," a great spot for toveling and picnicking alike. There is an entrance fee.

Eilat:
The Red Sea - I have been living in Israel for almost 16 years, and still haven't made it to Eilat! One of these days...

Miqwah Resources

Mikveh Net

Mikvah.org

Naftali Bennett Photo Caption Contest

ו' וחודש הראשון תשע"ג

Rafi at Life In Israel turned me onto a photo caption contest for the photo of Jewish Home Party Head Naftali Bennett. Any takers? Please leave your caption entree below as a comment.

Photo Credit: Tomer Applebaum of Ha'aretz

Here are my Esser Agaroth (2¢) versions:

1. My kippah constantly falling off runs parallel my faith in HaShem and commitment to His Torah, as is reflected in my legislative agenda, such as granting Israeli citizenship to several thousand people who want to annihilate, granting autonomy within the Land of Israel to the rest of them, amounting to a couple million.

To intellectual for you? Then try this proverbial one:

2. If a kippah needs a clip, then it's not big enough. If there isn't anywhere to clip it anyway, then it's REALLY not big enough.

OK. Now it's your turn.

Top Ten POSSIBLE Reasons Pope Benedict XVI Resigned

מוצש"ק פר' תרומה תשע"ג

Here are the Top Ten POSSIBLE reasons Pope Benedict XVI (né Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger) resigned, emphasis on the word "POSSIBLE."  This is ONLY speculation.  I am not in possession of ANY evidence, supporting ANY of the reasons listed.

10. His failure to move the Catholic Church in the direction he wanted, fast enough, was frustrating him.

Poop Benedict XVI

9. His failure to recruit more priests and nuns was frustrating him.

8. His failure to grab more and more land in Israel for the Vatican was frustrating him.

From South Park Se10 Ep11 "Hell On Earth 2006"

7. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep his pedophile priests under control, and that was overwhelming him.

6. It was becoming increasing difficult to recruit priests into becoming pedophiles, and that was frustrating him.

Ratzinger = Rat Singer

5. His resignation was part of a deal to cover up his involvement in a scandal,...other that pedophilia.

4. He was threatened, and forced to resign, in a power play by another aging cardinal.

3. He was pushed out, in order to put in a politically-correct pope, who would attract more followers.

2. He was offered a higher position of authority in the Illuminati hierarchy he could not refuse.

And the number one POSSIBLE reason Poop Benedict XVI resigned is...

1. He knows that Vatican security will soon fail, and he will no longer be safe from the common people's exacting of justice.

Top 15 Ways To Act Like An Am Ha'Aretz! (riff-raff) - Updated!

12 of the Fourth Month 5772

15.  Talk as loudly as humanly possible on your cell phone in an enclosed area, totally oblivious to the people around you.

14. Forget to take your wedding band off, while pretending to be Haredi.

13. (Women) Talk to your friend across the street by shouting back and forth.

12. Yell, "Minhah, Minhah!" and then "Ashrei yoshvei vesekha...!" as loud as you possibly can, at minhah time for before a wedding,...even though you, yourself, almost never daven minhah.

11. Talk to your friends when you've finished the silent amidah.  After all, it's not the repetition, when that's assur, right?

10. (Women) Sit down next to Haredi men on the bus,... so that they all have to get up.

9. Eat sunflower seeds in schul,...while serving as the gabbai.

8. (Women) "Accidentally" brush up against the men at your Shabbath table,...and be really obvious about it.

8. Make a Pssst! sound and snap your fingers to get someones attention I, to give him an aliyah.

7. (Women) Breast feed in public, where everyone can see you,...even though you're not covered up, and your bare breast is quite visible.

6. Play your guitar on the bus, at a bus stop, or tremping stop, totally oblivious to the possibility that those around you might not want to listen to your music.

5. Yell corrections of the Torah reading as loudly as you possibly can,...even though you're almost always wrong.

4. Say Birkath HaMazon or pray as loudly as possible, totally oblivious as to how this prevents others from concentrating.


3. Clap during your prayers, because you think it helps your kewannah, , totally oblivious as to how this prevents others from concentrating.

2. Get on other men's case for not going to the miqwah enough (custom), while you continue to sleep with your girlfriend (negative commandment). 

And the number one way to act like an Am Ha'Aretz is to...

1. Yell furiously at people, "When you violate the laws of the State of Israel, you violate the Torah!"


List your contributions in the comments sections!

The Top Ten Reasons To Join The IDF

3 of the Second Month 5772

Israeli Memorial Day Observed

In honor of the fallen Jewish soldiers who saved Jewish lives, and participated in defending the borders of the Land of Israel, here are my Top Ten Reasons For Joining the Israeli Defense Forces [IDF].

The IDF's face and function have changed drastically over the years.  The IDF has gone from helping to establish Jewish (or potentially Jewish) sovereignty over Eretz Yisra'el and defending the Jewish People from annihilation countless times with the guidance of the Holy One, Blessed be he, to a body which now may knock on your door to throw you out of your home, destroy that home and the synagogue next door, hand Jewish lands over to goyim (non-Jews), and do so possibly even on Shabbath, calls for a close examination of the proper reasons for joining such an organization.

Some of you may think that this post denigrates the memories of fallen IDF soldiers.

God forbid!

This post does quite the opposite.  In fact, it honors them by differentiating between the IDF in which they served and the IDF of today.  This post does not come to criticize their individual soldiers, but rather their IDF leaders, including past and present Ministers of Defense and Chiefs of Staff, as well as the so-called "rabbis," who have instructed their soldier/talmidim to participate in heinous acts against their own people, and against their own God-given land, such as the ones listed above.

This post attempts to discover if their truly are any reasons left to enlist in what was one the most impressive armed forces in the world.

Here are Esser Agaroth's reasons.  What are yours?  Please leave your comments below.

10. To get your machismo certification, including photos in uniform with a gun to post on your girlfriend's facebook page, then realize this is no joke, grow up, and plan to make permanent home in Israel,...with or without the girlfriend.

9. To get free transportation, while wearing your uniform.

8. To do the IDF's intensive, high school matriculation program (bagrut), because now that you're 18, you're finally ready to buckle down, and do it.

7. To get free vocational training and on the job experience, in auto or airplane mechanics, electronics, EMT/ER/paramedic, or truck driving, for free, and get on the job experience.

6. To get survivalist training in a special unit, learning about how to find water, identifying which plants are edible, building shelters, etc.

5. To get weapons and hand to hand combat training, in order to be able to defend yourself, and your family, and your town more effectively.

4. To set an example for other soldiers, and to be available when they come to ask you questions about Judaism, such as about prayer, tefillin, kashruth, and digging latrine outside of the camp, and .  Just what Yossi Beilin and Shulamit Aloni ordered,...NOT!

3. To influence, and encourage other soldiers not to participate in throwing Jews out of their homes, and handing over pieces of our Homeland to goyim,and to introduce them to rabbis you can show them why the Torah forbids this.

2. To make a big deal about refusing orders, when commanded to violate the Torah.  This may include throwing Jews out of their homes, violating Shabbath for the heck of it, listening to women sing and watching them dance, or taking orders from a goy.

1. To take pride in sitting in jail, having refused orders to violate the Torah (Rabbi Avraham Shapira ztz"l), and to fulfill one of the requirements for becoming a rabbi, to sit in jail for the sake of Am Yisrael and Eretz Yisrael (Rabbi Me'ir Kahane hy"d).

You should notice that "To fulfill the misswah of guarding the borders of Eretz Yisrael" is absent from this list. Although this misswah can be contributed to by joining the IDF, it is not the only way to fulfill this misswah.

You can volunteer to do guard duty in your town.

You can join community patrols, perhaps.

You can join volunteer organizations, such as Israel's Best Friend Canine Search & Rescue Unit.

The Mamlakhtim (religious, undying State loyalists) seem to think that joining the IDF is the only way to fulfill this misswah.

They are mistaken, of course.

Lessons I Have Learned From Harry Potter

14 of the Eleventh Month 5772

In honor of my finally seeing the last Harry Potter flick, I have decided to list all those important things I have learned from the series:

10. Snakes are bad.

9. Giant spiders are not to be trusted.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

8. Rock cakes really are hard as a rock.

7. It's not a good idea to get your wand tied up in a knot.

6. Keep your friends close.

Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

5. Blowing up your aunt like a balloon may not get you in trouble with the government, but defending your own life, along with the life your cousin, will. (Hmm... Sounds like the Israeli Government)

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

4. Progress for the sake of progress must be discouraged.

Delores Umbridge, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

3. A loyal friend can be more valuable than courage.

Cedric Diggory, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Luna Lovegood, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

2. It may take courage to stand up to your enemies, but takes even more courage to stand up to your friends.

Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

1. Help will always be given [at Hogwart's] to those who ask.

Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Top Ten Words and Phrases of תשע"א/5771

Erev Shabbath Qodesh Parashath No'ah 5772

The compiling of the long-awaited, and VERY tardy, Top Ten Words And Phrase of תשע"א/5771 has finally been completed.

The annual list of Esser Agaroth's Top Ten Words And Phrases has been around since תשס"ד/5764. The top Ten Words List includes words which have been overused, underused, or significant to the universe in one way or another. The links below indicate previous posts which have addressed, or have attempted to address, the issue. Those words which are not linked? Stay tuned for some good ol' fashioned smacking of those who need to be smacked from Esser Agaroth during תשע"ב/5772! (click the link above for past years' lists)

This year's list is dedicated to Efraim HaKohen in Jerusalem. Please let him know.

10. Coffee - Self-explanatory.

9. Rabbi – Many of you know that I try to stay far away from "rabbis," and stay close to Hakhamim. Yes, there is most certainly a difference! I especially try to stay far away from those calling themselves "rabbis" who have allowed themselves to be influenced by those from whom they have received salaries or donations (eg. The State, Government of Norway, Christians, etc.).

8. Nakba/Intifada – These words do not even deserve their own entry. These contrivances from the Pseudostians (Honorable Mention goes to Batya @ Shiloh Musings for the addition of this word to our vocabulary!), under the manipulative hands of the European "High Left," must be from ejected from our vocabulary.

7. The State – Doesn't that sound like the title of a good ol' fashioned dystopian novel? Well, sometimes living in Israel can feel that way. Check out what fellow blogger Ariel at The Torah Revolution thinks about The State, keeping in mind that he believes that Jews must come back home to the Land of Israel to re-settle it, unlike Neturei Karta types.

6. צדק חברתי/Social Justice – How this concept has been expressed, both recently in Israel, and years ago in the U. S. is neither "social" nor "justice." Discuss amongst yourselves.

5. Shimon HaTzadiq - 'Nuff said.

4. Christian Friends - The most effective way for me to express my feelings on this phrase would be in the traditional fashion of the San Fernando Valley, in the 1980's: "Like, gag with a spoon!"

3. 1,000's of Arab Terrorists - Yeah! Let's hear it for the Arabs Terrorists יש"ו! (eyes rolling) May they all get what they really deserve! (May their names and memories be blotted out!)

2. רכבת קלה/Light Rail – As a Jerusalemite, and as a Jerusalemite who benefits a great deal from our new light rail system, the…had to be on this year's list! Stay tuned for Esser Agaroth on the…

1. Gil'ad Shalit – How could I not put Gil'ad in the No. 1 spot?

Well, that's a wrap for 5771!

Have a great 5772, and make sure to pay attention to those catchy words and phrases!

Top Ten Words and Phrases of תש"ע/5770

8 of the Sixth Month 5770

This annual tradition continues! ...usually being presented around my birthday,...which is today!

Also, don't forget to see the previous four years’ Top Ten Words & Phrases.

10. Y-M (JM), T”A, R”G, B”B, Q”S, B”Sh, RaShLa”Tz, GaBa”Sh, QaMa”Sh – Use of abbreviations is very common in Israel. Who can guess what these abbreviations are short for?

9. קטניות (qitniyoth – various legumes & edible seeds) – You know? Those things many Ashkenazi Jews in Israel still do not think they are allowed to eat during Passover.... I have talked about this a lot over the years. Yet, this word has never earned a place of honor in the Top Ten Words and Phrases. I think it's about time, don't you?

8. לעבור דירה (moving) – In the past 15 months I have moved four times, after having lived in the same house for almost five years.

7. Likud – The party currently in power in the K'nesseth (Israeli Parliament). Prominent members include current Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu. I have been too busy (and too lazy?) to cancel my party membership. Lisa, by the way, does not think it's a good idea for me to cancel it.

6. Alpha Epsilon Pi [AEΠ] – A predominantly Jewish, college fraternity, and member of the IFC. I'll bet you wouldn't guess that I would include something “Greek” in my Top Ten List! Well, over the years, AEΠ has increased its identification with Israel through annual, sponsored trips.

It seems that I bump into AEΠ's now in Israel on a regular basis. Every year, several brothers come for their Junior years abroad. I love to seem the look on kids faces, when a guy with beard & payos, comes up to them, and gives them the secret handshake!

Last summer saw the founding of the first college fraternities in Israel, new AEΠ chapter at IDC in Hertzliyah. People may have mixed feelings about bringing this American institution to Israel. But, developing awareness and a closer connection to Israel is definitely a good thing! If you are an alumnus, and living in Israel, please join our Facebook Group.

5. The 'Hood – For me that is Qiriyath Moshe, as I am back in 'hood, after an eight absence. This is the first neighborhood in Jerusalem in which I ever lived, made lots of friends, many of whom are still here or in nextdoor Giv'ath Sha'ul. I have several other friends who have lived here at one time or another, usually while learning in yeshiva, such as Merkaz HaRav Kook, Machon Me'ir, Nahalath Tzvi (now in Pisgath Ze'ev), or Darchei No'am (Shappell's). So, I guess for me this will always be “The 'Hood.”

4. Nachla'ois – Every few weeks or so, I have been spending a Shabbath meal in the neighborhood of Nahla'oth, only the third neighborhood built outside of the walls of the Old City of Jerusalem. I like to tease my friends there by pronouncing the name of their neighborhood in a pronounced, Hasidishe manner, being that it is a traditionally “super spiritual” neighborhood. Teasing aside, there are many friendly and interesting Jews who live there. Why, even I almost ended up living there,...twice.

3. Super Spiritual – This phrase is an inside joke for me, old friend Mattitiyahu, new friend Ze'ev, and a handful of others. Maybe you can figure this one out from A Tale Of Two Neighborhoods.

2. רכבת קלה (light rail) – The first line of the Jerusalem Light Rail is almost here! Estimated time of completion is April, 2011. I can't wait! Read more about the project's progress on Cosmic X In Jerusalem.

And the number one Top Word or Phrase of תש"ע/5770 is...

1. Flotilla – What the hell is a flotilla? Since when is a few rag-tag boats compared to a "a formation of small warships that may be part of a larger fleet?"

Shannah Tovah!