Friday, June 28, 2013

I Am A Feminist!

ערב שבת קודש פר' פנחש תשע"ג

XX Power!
I am a feminist. You are a strong and independent woman, and I would not want to offend your strength and independence by offering my seat to you on the bus. By keeping my seat, I am demonstrating my utmost respect for your womanhood.

Excuse me? Aren't you going to open the door for me? You are obviously a self-hating women, suffering from years of oppression by the hierarchical patriarchy. If you open the door for a man, you will simultaneously be opening the door to your own, new found freedom.

By belching or passing gas in front of you, I am treating you just as I would treat one of my best buds, like an equal. I show you respect in this way, because I am a feminist.

Of course, I am staring at the beautiful process, of the exercising of your "right" to breast feed in public, without covering up your bare breast-giver-of-sustenance to your infant. The oppressive patriarchy forcing you to cover up, acts out of its own jealousy. By staring at your bare breast, I am supporting your "right" to do as you please with your body, whenever, and wherever you like, regardless of how it affects other people around you, including other marginalized women with their voice silenced.


I am not entirely certain as to how you fell into the trap of trusting that there would be a reliable man out there to help you carry home your year supply of feminine hygiene products (in a see through bag), because they happened to be on sale. As a feminist man, I am the first to admit how completely unreliable we men are. By allowing you to carry your products home by yourself, I am refusing to collaborate with the hierarchical patriarchy in keeping you oppressed, convincing you that you are not the strong and independent woman you are, perfectly capable of find a creative way to bring her own feminine hygiene products home.

Using the lady's restroom I find urinals offensive, because they fly in the face of our equality. Thus, I prefer to use the lady's room, where I do not have to see such offensive constructions, reminding us that our physiologies are different.

But, no, of course, I will not put the toilet seat back down. I would not want to insult the strength of your womanhood, suggesting that you are incapable of putting it down by yourself.

Shidduch date: I want to stay home and pop bon-bons. Besides that way, I can provide more direct instruction to our sons, if we are so curse to have male children, in being ashamed of being male and how to hate their penises properly, and how to prepare them to feed their testicles to their wives upon marriage.

No, I will not give you sex tonight,...nor ever. I am a born-again feminist, and I refuse to participate in your oppressive sexual enslavement. I have become enlightened to the sacred knowledge that all heterosexual sex is oppressive,...if not rape. However, I will be happy to give you a foot massage, and worship you.

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