A New Religion?

Purim Qatan le'Muqafin 5768

A friend of mine, a rabbi who lives in Me'ah Sha'arim neighborhod in Jerusalem found himself with a broken down car in, of all places, Sacramento, the capital of the State of California.

Dressed in traditional, hasidishe Yerushalmi, black hat and coat, he stood outside a garage, talking with the mechanic about the prognosis of his car. After the conversation, he overheard two on-lookers discussing his presence.

"What religion do you suppose HE is?"

"Why he must be a Moslem Catholic."

What on earth is a Moslem Catholic? I am a native Californian, and for the life of me, I haven't a clue. The only answer I can possibly come up with for the astute conclusion of the Hakhamei Sacramento, based solely on my friend's livush (garb), is that,....well,...this was after all in Sacramento.

For those of you who do not know Sacramento, it doesn't have the reputation, neither for being the most exciting place to visit, nor having the highest number of Harvard graduates living in close proximity,...if you get my drift.

Never the less, said friend and I have immensely enjoyed spending time, discerning what the practices must be of this ancient religion, steeped in centuries of tradition.

1. Which way should one face during Communion, toward Rome or Mecca? Neither. The seat of the Moslem Catholic religion is Sacramento, the place of its founding. The same goes for the direction of bowing during prayer.

2. Communion is done grape juice, as it is non-alcoholic.

3. The head of the Moslem Catholic religion is the "Popimam."

4. If Christmas falls during Ramadan, as it did nine years ago, festive meals are held only at night.

5. The same applies for Easter, yet there is no such thing as an Easter ham.

6. The official position of the Moslem Catholic religion on the Middle East is: "We wish our brethren in Ohio only peace and prosperity, and are willing to defend them in a war, if Pennsylvania ever decides to attack."

7. Higher education is frowned upon,...obviously.

Are there any customs I am forgetting? Please let me know by leaving a comment.