Crucial Festivus Shailos

Festivus, 2013

Photo Credit: DRosenbach

Dear Admo"r Shlit"a from Kalashnikov,

I have some pressing Festivus Shailos to ask you. Please get back to me ASAP, as I only have a couple of hours. before Festivus goes out here in Israel.

1. Tonight I had Saigon Chicken at Sushi Rechavia, instead of the traditional Paellla, and without proper kevanna. I am embarrassed to admit that I actually forgot that it was December 23, and thus Festivus. Must I repeat the se'udah?

2. I was nice to everyone at dinner. I completely forgot to air my grievances with them. May I e-mail them b'di'avad, or must I call them now, and scream into the phone? Or, should I be mahmir, and go over to their houses personally?

3. Should I perform the feats of strength, even it disturbs the neighbors? Must I try to pin my roommate to the ground, since he is the lease holder, making him the defacto ba'al habayith, even if it means that kicks me out on my tuchus tomorrow?

4. I regret that I did not erect the Festivus Pole this year either. Maybe if I had, I would have remembered that it was Festivus, and I would not be in this current predicament. My Sukkah lights, which I finally took down Erev Shabbos, are in a pile stuffed away under the coffee table in the living room, and are not turned on, nor even  plugged in. Do they count anyway, b'di'avad?

5. Am I allowed to accept donations to the Human Fund (me) tomorrow, or is tonight my only possibility to do so?

Thank you for getting back to me.

It's Festivus for the rest of us!

Esser Agaroth (2¢)

Festivus Halakhah: When Festivus Falls On Aseres b'Teves

Due to the Fast of the Tenth Month (10 b'Teveth) occurring on December 23 this year, those who observe the holiday of Festivus are required to postpose the Festivus Se'udah until 25 minutes after sunset. The traditional Festivus foods include [kosher] Paella, accompanied by a "big salad."

What's a "big salad," you may ask?  A "big salad" is like a small salad, with lot of stuff in it.

If Paella and a "big salad" are not available, then any favorite foods of the guests will suffice.  Take out is also permissible

.

Some hold that the Airing Of Grievances must also be postponed until 25 minutes after sunset, due to "sin'ath hinam" (baseless hatred).  Others hold that the airing of grievances prevents baseless hatred, and thus do not wait.  Overall, however, the custom is to wait, so that everyone has food in their stomachs, before the Airing Of Grienvances.  In any event, the Airing Of Grievances traditionally begins with the ba'al habayit (head of household) shouting the following formula:

"I've got issues with you, and you're ALL gonna hear about it!"

There are conflicting opinions regarding the beginning of the Feats Of Strength.  Some suggest that they should begin during the Se'udah.  Others suggest that doing so would be a sakkanah (danger) of vomiting.  Others say that one is require to eat his food slowly for this reason.  Still others suggest that potential vomiting is acceptable, but only when combined with the Airing Of Grievances.

The Festivus Pole, of course, should already have been erected.  However, if not, most authorities hold that one may erect ones pole before sunset.

Traditional donations to the Human Fund may be performed before sunset.  However, they must be done with the proper kewanna (intention), or else one is not yotzei midei hovato (satisfied his obligation).

It's Festivus for the rest of us!

Happy Festivus!

17 of the Tenth Month 5771

Let me take this opportunity to wish all of my friends, acquaintances, readers, and everyone else a Happy Festivus!

(Click the image to enlarges)


Please enjoy this photo by DRosenbach. Personally, I think it's a bit much. But, hey! It's Festivus!


Read more about Festivus, observances, and even "halakhoth" by clicking here.

It's Festivus for the rest of us!

JBloggers Convention Post-Mortum: No Regrets

26 of the Sixth Month 5769

Well, another Jewish Bloggers Convention has passed, and I didn't even get a lousy T-Shirt.

Do I regret not going? No. But, just because I didn't attend the convention, doesn't mean that I can't provide my very own post-mortum. That's part of the fun of being a blogger, throwing my opinion around whenever I want. Hey! No one said you had to read it!

I included many links in this post. That was not to annoy you, but so that you can know who I'm talking about, that is, if you want to. You don't have to click on every single link. For convenience sake, links to posts and to websites are in blue-green and links to photos are in red.

Convention Communication
As I was trying to leave my house, I saw Benji online, and asked him via Twitter if he had seen any of my attempts at infiltration cards at the convention. Then I noticed Akiva online, live-Twoozing the convention. So, I followed him for a while, and suggested a question to ask at the workshop he was attending.

Akiva: In the Defending Israel through Social Media session. Israeli govt spokesperson, 'We're losing the PR battle.'

10ag: @akivapaths Has anyone brought up that some Jewish bloggers couldn't care less about PR to goyim? Educating Jews, yes....

(cont.) Let's care more about what HaQadosh Barukh Hu (The Holy One, Blessed Be He) thinks, and not what the goyim think. #jbloggers

Akiva: @benyehudah #jbloggers I'll ask when they open to questions :-) Yes you can live Twooze your questions!

I'd be interested in finding out what the response was from the panel. Later that night, I did some more, quick Twittering with Ron and Rafi about the convention, kind of a wrap-up.


Convention Voyeurism
Jacob Richman took countless photos at the convention, and was nice enough to post them on his site. He also put many more on Facebook, and opened them up for tagging.

Boy, I'm glad I didn't go, simply because of the crowds. I hadn't even thought of that when I originally posted why I wasn't attending. I'm not claustrophobic or anything, just feel a bit overwhelmed by them sometimes.

Double Tapper was clever enough to wear a shirt with his blog name on it, not to mention bringing his trademark,...a weapon. Steve Leavitt also wore a shirt with his name on it.

Yocheved Golani kept holding up a small poster promoting her book. A little tacky, yes, but can't fault her really. And it worked. Even I am blogging about it, giving her a drop of free publicity. After all, it sounds like it could be a helpful book. It's called It's My Crisis and I'll Cry If I Need To: Empower Yourself to Cope with a Medical Challenge.

Yocheved is sitting next to Penina Tal-Or of Jews For Judaism, and Ruti Mizrahi of Ki Yachol Nuchal.

Carl was there. Our mutual acquaintance Debbie suggested that he and I meet. Perhaps one of these days...

I also missed meeting Rafi. Here he is with Akiva. I also missed seeing my buddy Shmu'el, now that he's abandoned me.... Actually, I missed meeting quite a few people for the first time: Ron, RivkA, Risa, Jacob, and countless others.


Airing Of Grievances (alla "Seinfeld" on Festivus)
Where to begin? Well, I will just stick with those issues I did not already cover in my original why I'm not attending post.

1. Check out the prayer set-up. Unacceptable. Where are my daleth amoth? (I told you so.) Was there a place to wash ones hands nearby? Was there silence? Was there chit-chat? Was it rushed through? Were the ma'asas of the inyanim of the minhagim emphasized over halacha?

2. I heard from Batya that there wasn't any mention of Twoozer nor of WeJew. Not cool. (Harumpf!) For those of you unfamiliar with these networking tools, Twoozer is the Jewish answer to Twitter, and WeJew is the Jewish answer to YouTube. Here's a photo of founders and operators Avi Abelow and Shlomo Wollins, standing with Moshe and my friend Menahem.

3. Was there any mention of Haveil Havalim or any other blog carnival? (I told you so.)

4. Jack, Soccer Dad, and Leah were not flown in for the convention. (I told you so.) Totally unacceptable.

5. Well, I could go on and on. But as my friend Ariel suggests, there's really no point in doing so.

They didn't seem to listen to feedback last year (...or did they?), so why would they this year?


No Regrets?
So, do I regret not attending the convention? Nope. It still seems to much like a stage for a select few to push their agendas and to make some money. However, most bloggers with whom I spoke were most interested in the social opportunities, were grateful for the set up, and were willing to tolerate the blatant ulterior motives in order to shmooze, catch up, and meet new people.

I sure would have liked to see the looks on people's faces when Jameel Rasheed requested press credentials. (ha ha!)

As you can see, I am happy to promote people, organizations such as WebAds.co.il (Heck! Even my own health insurance company was a sponsor!), even conventions themselves. I am just not willing to attend those conventions which include the participation of representatives from the Israeli government. But, never say never.

OK. Maybe I

By the way, did anyone else besides Ariel, Ron, RivkA, and Benji see my cards which were snuck into the convention? Does anyone know what happened to them?

A Hanukkah Conundrum

18 of the Eighth Month 5769

It was recently pointed out to me that Festivus falls during Hanukkah. OK, I saw that coming. But, what I did not immediately realize was the serious shailah which comes up as a result of the conflict:

Is one allowed to meqaym the Festivus minhag of the "Airing Of Grievances" during Hanukkah?

Two years ago, Festivus fell on Shabbath, and the last day of Hanukkah. The solution was easy, to postpone it until after Shabbath and Hanukkah went out.

Last year, Festivus fell a good week and half after Hanukkah. So, there wasn't any conflict with Hanukkah to deal with, but I took the opportunity to answer some crucial Festivus shailos.

It appears from my notes that I inferred in one of my rulings, that one may not air grievances during Hanukkah:

Instances when e-mails cannot be sent on December 23 include Shabbath and Hanukkah for Jews.

However, I believe that further research is necessary. So, I have asked resident mumhim on such matters, Jacob Da Jew, Frum Satire, and Erica to review the relevant literature, consult their own rabbonim and hevrusas, and to provide us with tshuvos.

(Erica, this is not a meme,...not exactly anyway. I know you hate memes.)

I have also asked Benjy Lovitt, whom I have only recently met on-line, to chime in. Let's see what this new Jew-rusalem transplant from Tel-Aviv has to say.

Please leave your tshuvos or links to tshuvos in the comments section. Everyone is welcome to chime in,...well, almost everybody.

I realize that Festivus and Hanukkah still five weeks away. But such intricate halachic discourse requires time and care, as does the crucial matter of publicizing the various opinions and rulings to the tzibur.

Any additional Festivus shailos? Post them here in the comments section.

Get Ready For Festivus, 2007!

Festivus is less than a week away!
Are you ready?

Last year, of course, there were some serious halachic issues surrounding Festivus observance.

This year, you should all have begun getting ready for Festivus right after Hanukkah. For a detailed description of Festivus observances, click here.

Now, there have been some she'aloth (questions) brought to my attention. Please find my rulings below.

1. May one use a metallic-colored, non-metal pole as ones Festivus Pole?

No. Al pi ma'aseh HaRav, it is clear that one may not use a non-metallic pole, not even bli'avad.

2. Are there any restrictions on foods for the Festivus se'udah (meal)?

Yes. The rule of thumb is not to serve any foods which will result in additional grievances. Thus, one does not serve non-kosher food to a Jew, pork to a Muslim, meat to a vegetarian, eggs or cheese to a vegan, dairy to the dairy intolerant, gluten to the gluten-abstinent, nor alcohol to an alcoholic or recovering addict, etc.

Elaine's "Big Salad" with dairy and gluten items "on the side" (alla "When Harry Met Sally") should always be an option made available to your guests.

3. May one fulfill his obligation to air grievances via e-mail?

This raises a very interesting question. The answer is yes. However, there are conditions.

If one is in a different time zone, one must send the e-mails with enough time in advance of the se'udah of the intended target of your grievances, so that you can be sure that your e-mail will have been opened and read. The proper time for the se'udah is after sundown. One must be careful to check any time difference, and it is preferable to send the e-mails on December 23 if at all possible. If not, one must send the e-mails earlier than later.

Instances when e-mails cannot be sent on December 23 include Shabbath and Hanukkah for Jews. When you know that the intended target of your grievances will not be at home for the se'udah, and will not have access to e-mail, one must send the grievance e-mail before his time of departure. If you know that your intended target has a working laptop, one may assume that he will obsessively check his e-mail for grievances before the start of his se'udah.

Puposely contacting someone with a grievance after his se'udah is concluded is considered "Festivus grievance side-swiping," clearly flying in the face of the whole point of the Festivus "Airing of Grievance" ritual. If one is tardy, either b'mezid or b'shogeg, one must hold it in till next year.

4. Are their any restrictions on wrestling the head of household to the ground at the close of the se'udah?

Yes. Once again, the rule of thumb is not to do anything which would generate new grievances. One may be rough, but not violent, nor abusive. I recommend non-violent, non-abusive roughness.

5. Is it forbidden to bring gifts to the se'udah, even if the gifts are voluntary?

There are differing opinions on this issue. If you recall, the original catalyst to the creation of Festivus was the trauma surrounding ritualized, obligatory, gift-giving. One does not give gifts on Festivus in order to avoid such unpleasantness, during purchase, presentation, and receipt.

Some opinions hold that one may bring a gift to the se'udah, if it is for all of the guests to enjoy. However, one still risks the situation of the surprise guest or surprise aversion scenarios. Thus, some rule that such gifts are forbidden. Still others are more lenient, and say that one is allowed to take the risk that one may rack up additional grievances, since the year for grievance accumulation has technically not yet ended.

I tend toward the more lenient side. However, calling the hosts of the se'udah in advance to test the waters is advised.

One may also donate money to the "The Human Fund" if someone at the table is collecting for it,...and you are dumb enough to fall for that one.

It's Festivus for the rest-of-us!

The "Ani Tapu'ah" Campaign

7 of the Second Month 5767

Perhaps some of you have seen this bumper sticker plastered all over the Shomron. I sure have.

"Ani Tapu'ah...." (English: I'm an apple, you're an apple, we're all apples.)

At first I thought that it was a new sticker put out by my town, K'far Tapu'ah (...close to the Eiyn Tapu'ah mentioned in the Book of Joshu'a 17:7-8, by the way).

Nope.

By accident, I found out that the "Ani Tapu'ah" Campaign has absolutely nothing to do with K'far Tapu'ah,...well mostly it doesn't. There is a tiny, after the fact, connection.

You see, the initiator of the "Ani Tapu'ah" Campaign, blogger Doodle Head (now Head Of Doodle, as I suppose that name was already taken on Blogspot) and a friend of my house mate, spent Shabbath Hanukkah by us! He didn't even mention the campaign,...at least I don't remember him mentioning it to me, nor did he bring us any complementary bumper stickers! This is, of course, a grievance which must aired next year on Festivus. But, I digress....

Anyway, Doodle Head does happen to be a nice guy, and a very easy and accomodating house guest.

But, for the life of me, I cannot figure out what the whole point of the "Ani Tapu'ah" Campaign is.

Can you?

Don't get me wrong. It's a great idea...getting people to identify with the residents of a particular town in the Shomron. But that's now what it's about.

Please let me know if you figure it out.

Inquiring minds want to know.

Hilchoth Festivus: Festivus shehal b'Shabbath Hanukkah

ב׳ לחודש התשיעי תשס״ו

Thirty days before a festival, it is traditional to review the associated hallachoth, in order to observe it properly. Festivus falls on Shabbath Hanukkah this year. The last time Festivus fell during Hanukkah was 5763, and the last time it fell on Shabbath Hanukkah was 5760, seven years ago! So, it is particularly crucial to review the hallachoth associated with this special occurrence. 

For those of you unfamiliar with this Jerry Seinfeld Show created holiday, I will refer you to the Wikipedia entry for some introductory information, and to the Festivus Book with a forward by Jerry Stiller (Festivus founder and patron Frank Costanza), for more detailed information. Now, I was originally concerned when I saw that Festivus, held on December 23, coincided with both Shabbath and Hanukkah this year. But, then I realized that the calculation of the beginning and end of Festivus is according to the lu'azi (goyshe) calendar. When Shabbath and Hanukkah go out on Saturday night, it is still December 23, and still Festivus. The Festivus Se'udah is traditionally held at night anyway. Thus, there are no immediately apparent conflicts between nor amongst these holiday observances. 

Airing Of Grievances 

The airing of grievances takes places during the se'udah, the Festivus meal. Now, it is very important that one keeps oneself occupied during the Shabbath preceding, so as not to interfere with the Shabbath atmosphere, and its joyous nature. One may also not make not of grievances during Hanukkah, for similar reasons. There is a mahloqeth as to whether one may write the grievances down, at all, even before Hanukkah. I hold to the opinion of the Kalashnokover Rebbe, who rules that if one must write a grievance down, then it is not a "real" grievance. 

Festivus Se'udah Recently a question came up as to what actually must be served at the se'udah. According to Seinfeld-fan.net the answer to this question is "whatever you want." However, there are those who follow the minhag of eating Paella, the kosher-adaption, of course, as this is both festive and Estelle Costanza's specialty. It is believed that this minhag is derived from the remez in Season 5, Episodes 82-83 when the Seinfelds avoid going to the Costanzas for Paella. A small minority hold to the minhag of including of a "big salad" at the table (Season 7, episode 116), in honor of Elaine. Although, these are mostly feminists who want to aggravate the situation by bring up one of George's biggest grievances, the one against the big-hairdoed, physical therapist character played by Michelle Forbes (That's Ens. Ro to you Star Trek: TNG fans.) who took credit for bringing Elaine the big salad, even though it was George who bought it for her. Others still, hold that soup is forbidden at the se'udah as it brings up images of George's traumatic experience with the Soup Nazi (Season 7, episode 116). There is no issue with the Festivus Se'udah serving additionally as Malaweh Malkah (lemavdil), as long as one has the appropriate kawannah (intent). 

  

Feats Of Strength The feats of strength may certainly NOT be performed on Shabbath (p'shita). This is not an issue this year. As previously stated, the night of December 23 falls on Mossa'ei Shabbath.

Festivus Pole One may not set up the Festivus Pole neither on Shabbath nor during the entire eight days of Hanukkah. Since the Festivus Pole is, according to patron Frank Costanza, "very low-maintenance," it should be easy to set up soon after Havdallah. It is assur to decorate the Festivus Pole. One who does so b'shogeg (mistakenly) must participate in the attempts to pin the ba'al habayith down. One who does decorates b'meizid (purposefully) is hayav to lashes. And, one who decorates the Festivus Pole with tinsel, which patron Frank "finds distracting,"...well,...let's just say, I'd watch my back if I were you! 

And with that Happy Festivus to all! And to all a good night!