Their Secret Lair

Erev Shabbath Qodesh Parshath Yithro 5769

After the two years of taunting I have incurred regarding waffles, and how everyone, blogger and non-blogger alike, seems to be entitled to receive them from Jameel Rashid but me, I have had enough.

Waffles this, waffles that, waffles this and that....

Jameel and his sidekick in crime Jack Be Nimble will now have to go on the run, as I pursue them to the ends of the earth. No longer will I have waffles waved in my face, and then moments later have them violently withdrawn, receiving only raspberries,...and not the kind you can eat either.

The taunting, the teasing, the shame, the embarrassment....

I have tried everything to make them stop and leave me alone. I have tried exposing their racket. I have tried stalking them. I have tried exposing Jameel's secret identity. I have even tried ignoring them. Nothing works.

So now I must resort to espionage, sabotage. and all sorts of other clever things. I will be the bane of the existence. I will foil their plans at every turn. When I am finished with them, they will never be able to enjoy another waffle again!!

NYA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!

I will begin by revealing the location of their secret lair, the Waffle Bar. My spies have revealed that Jameel Rashid frequents The Waffle Bar in Jerusalem, not the "cool" location on Shlomtzion Street, but the tacky one in Talpiyoth. My spies have revealed that Jameel must periodically feed in futile attempt to satisfy his insatiable waffle addiction.

He meets up with Jack via video conferencing in order to plan their next set of foul deeds.

But now, they will have to find a new, secret lair, thus postponing their evil plans for another day.

I'll get you Jameel! Just you wait!

Up next...

What happens when Jameel tries to make waffles with his organic, whole-wheat flour that I stealthily replaced with disgusting soybean flour, replete with female hormones!

Of Course You Know, This Means War!

Special 3rd Day of Purim for Walled Cities 5768

OK. This was the last straw. Rafi G. got his waffles personally delivered, as did Joe Settler.

I issued the following warning:

"Jameel? Jack? I know where the money's hidden; I know where the bodies are buried. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH ME!"

...but to no avail. My warning was not heeded. Thus I have no choice but to exact revenge.

I will now reveal Jameel's secret identity and location. Jameel is none other than... No, really! It's true, and I can prove it! First, notice the uncanny resemblance between these spy photos stolen from Joe and Rafi respectively, and Bugs Bunny's official face shot. (See how effectively the hat covers up his ears?) Second, the gimatriah qetannah of Jameel Rashid is "5," and that of Bugs Bunny is "3." Both names contain 2 words. 2 plus 3 equals 5! The third bit of evidence comes from Bugs Bunny's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame." The star has 5 points, the gimatriah qetannah of Jameel's name. Fourthly, the star is located in Los Angeles, the location of Jack. Jack is in the "Valley" where North Hollywood is. The star is in Hollywood. See how the pieces of the puzzle are coming together? By extension, this had led me to the implication of The Holy Hyrax in the conspiracy. Why? He's an Angelino, just like Jack. I don't know how he's involved in the conspiracy, but I know he is. We San Diegans learn early on in life not to trust Angelinos.

But, I digress....

Jameel Rashid, or rather Bugs, lives in none other than K'far Shmaryahu, next door to Shulamit Eloni YSh"W, widely known for her wearing of a halter top through the streets of Me'ah Sha'arim, in order to "make a point." (eyes rolling) Apparently, Shulamit doesn't get any waffles either. Jameel, you are truly evil, denying a former minister in the Israeli government her waffles! Have you no shame?!

If you don't care about me and Shulamit, then at least think of Batya. She was very upset at not receiving her waffles. Gila and Baila didn't either. I'll bet you stopped by Treppenwitz, and even DHL'd waffles to Ezzie.

You know what, Jameel? I don't even want your stupid, lousy waffles anymore! I'll bet their awful! Don't even THINK of coming over to my house, even though you have been invited several times, to deliver me any waffles. I do not want them! (Let's see if the Paradoxical Injunction -- that's the misnomer of "reverse psychology" to you silly lay-people -- will work!)

I'll get that Jameel, one way or another!

Where Are My Waffles?! Haveil Havalim #159 Is Up.

Special 3rd Day of Purim for Walled Cities 5768

Haveil Havalim #159 is up at Jack's Place. It's the "Purim Is Over Edition." Don't worry. Several of us have already chastised him for forgetting that Purim is not yet over in Jerusalem, nor in Hevron, Shilo, Tiveria, and Tzfat, I think. This special situation of three days of Purim for "walled cities" and for cities which might have been walled during the time of Yehoshu'a Bin-Nun apparently won't happen again for another 15 years. Jack suggests that you check back periodically throughout the day, as this edition will be updated.

Oh, yeah, and don't expect any waffles. The waffle enticement is just scam!

Now, bloggers like Joe Settler are rubbing it in that "All bloggers are equal, just some bloggers get waffles, and others don't." (My word, not his)

Jameel? Jack? I know where the money's hidden; I know where the bodies are buried. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH ME!

The Waffle Conspiracy

10 of the Thirteenth Month 5768

Jameel Rashid's waffle obsession is just out of control! Check out The Muqata, and see for yourself how many of his posts contain the word "waffles."

Hosts of the Haveil Havalim Blog Carnival were promised waffles for hosting.

I'll Call Baila did not get hers. Gila did not get hers ("Yo man....where's my waffles????"). Batya did not get hers("...And if you decide to deliver waffles to Yaaqov, then please bring some here, too. We're not that far away."). And, I did certainly did not get mine:

There is a vicious rumor going around that hosts automatically gain an invitation to a waffle breakfast at Jameel's place.

Jameel? Where are my waffles? Did Ill Call Baila get hers? Please make mine with spelt flour and without eggs. I'm on a diet. Also, please hold the vanilla, or any other spirit, called for in the recipe.

Until I see my waffles, I am afraid that this rumor cannot be confirmed.

Did anyone get their waffles? I think not. Unless, of course, there are some favorites of Jameel and Jack's inner circle.

I have received taunting and teasing, but NO waffles.

Yet, ALL of our inquiries into this waffle sham have been ignored, scoffed at, marked as "spam," or worse, treated as the ravings of a mad blogger.

NYA HA HA HA! can often be heard in the background of Jameel and Jack's podcasts.

NOW, they're changing the rules, and denying that they have changed the rules at that!

Jack wants to blame his words on how tired he is. Sorry, Jack. It's a no go. Being tired is NO excuse for aiding and abetting Jameel in his waffle scam.

Now it seems, they are trying to entice innocent by-standing blogs Treppenwitz and Serandez into the conspiratorial plotting and planning. But to what end?! What sick and demented goals can be achieved by cheating unsuspecting blog carnival hosts out of their waffles?

The following is a transcript of a secretly monitored e-conversation I had with Jameel and Jack, CC-ing Treppenwitz, as he had already been dragged into it somehow. I'm so traumatized by the experience, I have already blocked out the nature of his involvement.

10ag (Me):
Now, listen. This whole waffle thing is getting out of hand. NOW, it's "you COULD" win a waffle breakfast?

"Could" is a modal, indicating the lack 100% confidence that the speech will take place.

What's going on? You and Jameel just keep teasing and taunting me for your own sadistic pleasure.

I can't take it anymore!

Jameel:
You might already be the winner of a waffle breakfast!

Just ask Ed McMahon.

--Happy Adar,

Jameel @ The Muqata Waffle Hut

10ag:
No. There weren't any conditions on it before. You can't just go changing the rules.

That's OK. I get it.

I don't want your frickin' waffles anymore. Now that I have [even] a [minimum] wage job, I can afford to stay away from wheat, B"H.

No waffles for me, thank you very much!

They probably aren't any good anyway.

Just a bunch of hype.

Jameel:
A bunch of hype? You havent seen hype yet.

Just wait till purim...

(Sounds like a threat to me.... And just look at those blatant grammatical errors!)

10ag:
I keep a low key during Purim..... I don't even know where I'll be yet, Jerusalem, Tapu'ah West, or Elnaqam 4 (near K'far Tapu'ah), so that I can hear a proper Qeriyath Megillah from gvil, without stupid [originally Roman custom of] costumes and lots of noise, so that I can actually be yotzei mahahovah.

E-mail me when it's over.

Now what about that coffee? You've been hear longer than I have, so I expect you to reveal the best cup of coffee Jerusalem has to offer, now that the Internet Shtiebel and its $2,000 Italian machine have been shut down by the police (2006).

(Slight digression here....)

Jack:
(Classified)

10ag:
Harumpf!

They probably taste lousy anyway.

I believe I will be launching a waffle boycott shortly.

Better yet, how about a blog war? I've never had one of those before. Perfect for Purim.

Treppenwitz has yet to chime in,...probably a smart move on his part.

Now the entire J-Blogsphere knows the truth about why Soccer Dad gave up ownership of the Haveil Havalim Blog Carnival: Waffles.

He threatened to blow the whistle on your scam, didn't he? So, you pressured him. You got him addicted to waffles, then threatened to put the plug on his Baltimore connection if he talked.

Hey, Soccer Dad! You never DID get the Fox's Chocolate Syrup they promised you for your waffles, did you? How many waffles to do they string you along anyway? ...just barely enough to keep you alive? Such cruelty! Hang in there, Soccer Dad! I am sending help, even as I write....

OK, Jameel. Bring it on. I'm ready for you.

I can handle anything you can dish out: Maraschino Cherries (artificial color-free, of course), exploding whipped cream (Halav Yisra'el, of course), batter projectiles, and spatula catapults.

You are mine!

Haveil Havalim #158 Is Up!

9 of the Thirteenth Month 5768

Haveil Havalim #158 is up at Jack's Place. It's the "Almost Purim Edition."
Jack suggests that you check back periodically throughout the day, as this edition will be updated.

Oh, yeah, and don't expect any waffles. The waffle enticement is just scam!