Top Ten Signs You've Lived In Israel for a While

ערב שבת קודש פר' ראה תשע"ג

10. You know which post offices have the shortest lines in your city.

9. You speak to an English-speaking tourist. He looks at you dumbfounded. And then you realize that half of the words you just used were actually Hebrew.

8. You happened to be walking through a dark alley in the Talpiyoth Indutrial Zone, and you bump into someone you know.

7. Kids speaking Hebrew, talking on the phones, messing around, and playing music loudly on the bus does not bother you. But, when someone is speaking in English loudly it does.

6. Americans accuse you of being from a part of your country of origin than you really are, due to the loss of your distinct regional accent.

5. Native Israelis can tell, more or less, where you live in Israel, by how you dress and/or which slang you use. (eg. אין דבר כזה vs. אין כזה דבר)

4. When you search for an apartment, you better than to look at any ads in English, because you know they are automatically going to be twice as much as anything in advertized in Hebrew.

3. When you are introduced to a fellow English-speaker in Hebrew, and you stick to speaking in Hebrew, or at least half and half.

2. When they shop calling you "sir" or "ma'am" in the Shuq, and start calling you "friend" or "brother."

1. You forget a word in English.

Cultural Differences In Israel

מוצש"ק פר' תזריע-מצורע תשע"ג

There I was, minding my own business and grabbing a few last minute items before Shabbath. Very last minute: floating wicks, spoons, and bathroom tissue. You know, the essentials.

I got to the check-out line, and saw that the lady before me, a native English-speaking Jew from a non-American country, by the sound of her accent, was fishing for her money. I had my money out already, so I asked the store owner's daughter behind the counter how much my total was. Just then, this lady said to her friend in English, "Welcome to Israel."

I turned to her, and in English, I said that I thought I could get my total and pay before she got her money together, that I wasn't trying to jump in line, just be efficient with time. By all means, now that she had her money out, she should pay first.

As she was paying, and apparently still perturbed, she told me that I could clearly see that she was in the middle of paying.

I said that, yes, I could see that, and repeated that I was not trying to be rude, just trying to be efficient with time.

She said that she knew that I wasn't trying to rude, and that I should have a Shabbath Shalom, but still...

That wasn't enough. Her initial comment REALLY irked me, making such a gross generalization about Israelis! But, how could I convey that to her, in a way that she might actually be able to hear it?

So, without seeming like I was trying to get in the last word, I suggested to her that we just operated differently than in either of our countries of origin.

In other words, things were not always the way they initially appeared through our Western galuth (exile) upbringing.

She said, in a bit of smarmy, yet more relaxed way, that, yes, things were different here.

"But, we're home," I said.

"Yes," as she left the store, "We are home," she agreed.

Gee, I Guess I'm A Racist.

ח' לחודש השנים עשר תשע"ג

Last summer, I was in the shuq (open market), looking for fresh spinach, which I had not been able to find in years.  I asked one of fruit and vegetable sellers I recognized if he had any.  He said no, and pointed to another part of the shuq where I should look.  I asked if he knew of any Jewish vendors who sold spinach.  He said no, that would have to ask the "Amaleqim."

Although I do not know that I agree with his assessment that Arabs have the din (status) of Amaleq, it is interesting to note that on this Shabbath, Shabbath Zakhor, the Shabbath preceding Purim, we will be including the following in our reading of the Torah:

דברים כה

יז  זָכוֹר, אֵת אֲשֶׁר-עָשָׂה לְךָ עֲמָלֵק, בַּדֶּרֶךְ, בְּצֵאתְכֶם מִמִּצְרָיִם. יח  אֲשֶׁר קָרְךָ בַּדֶּרֶךְ, וַיְזַנֵּב בְּךָ כָּל-הַנֶּחֱשָׁלִים אַחֲרֶיךָ--וְאַתָּה, עָיֵף וְיָגֵעַ; וְלֹא יָרֵא, אֱלֹהִים.יט  וְהָיָה בְּהָנִיחַ יְהוָה אֱלֹהֶיךָ לְךָ מִכָּל-אֹיְבֶיךָ מִסָּבִיב, בָּאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר יְהוָה-אֱלֹהֶיךָ נֹתֵן לְךָ נַחֲלָה לְרִשְׁתָּהּ--תִּמְחֶה אֶת-זֵכֶר עֲמָלֵק, מִתַּחַת הַשָּׁמָיִם; לֹא, תִּשְׁכָּח.

Deuteronomy 25

17 Remember what Amaleq did to you by the way as you came out of Egypt;  18 how he met you by the way, and struck those of you trailing, all who were weak in your rear, when you were faint and weary; and he did not God. 19 Therefore it will be, when the LORD your God has given you rest from all of your surrounding enemies, in the land which the LORD your God gives to you for an inheritance to possess it, that you will blot out the memory of Amaleq from under heaven; you shall not forget.

One evening, I was in the center of town with some friends.  All of a sudden, we saw a Jewish kid chasing after an Arab kid.  Their path took them past a policewoman.  Someone asked what was happening.  The officer casually suggested that the Arab had probably stolen something, and the Jew was chasing after him to get it back.  I sarcastically suggested that was a racist comment.  The policewoman stared me down, and made "pppfff" sound.

One day, I was in the post office for work.  Two of the regular clerks with whom usually I work were talking.  "Michal," a Moroccan Jew, was telling "Yoni," a Kurdish Jew, about the trouble the Arabs were causing in her neighborhood of Pisgat Ze'ev.  "Yoni's" response was, "What do you expect?"

I recently found out that "Michal" was an Arabic speaker, seeing that she was assisting a customer in Arabic.  And, by the way, she was friendly, and did not make any faces or comments after this customer left.  I commented to her that I didn't know she spoke Arabic.  She smiled and said, "Well, now you know."

I said I thought that was cool, and that we were all going to have to speak Arabic eventually.  She just nodded and shrugged her shoulders.

It is also interesting to note that none of the Jews mentioned above were Ashkenazim (of European decent).  They were from North Africa or Iraq.

In other words, they know better.

A Beitar Jerusalem soccer team fan was recently quoted as saying, "I'm not a racist.  I just don't like Arabs."

I don't dislike Arabs, though.  I just hate enemies of the Jewish People.

I'm not a racist.  Neither are any of the Jews mentioned above.

We're realists.

How I Became A Father, Without Even Knowing It

ערש"ק פר' פינחס תשע"ב

No, this is not a post filled with confessions of past indiscretions, as you might of thought.

Please remove your head from the gutter.

I wish that this was going to be one of those helpful posts, with lots of resources for olim (new immigrants), and their aging parents.  You know, a post about how to apply for funds and services, what's available out there, what are our rights, how to supplement our health care,  and Hebrew ulpanim (Hebrew learning centers) made for the senior student,etc.

But, it's not.  It is not going to be that deep.  Actually, it is going to be pretty shallow.

This post is about EGO.

OK.  Let me back up a bit.

In Israel, just like in any other country, when you go into a store or an office for the first time, or second time, or third time, the people who work there have never met you before.  The employees there do not know your name, but courtesy dictates that they call you something.

In the U. S., it's pretty simple.  You are called "sir" or "ma'am."  In my native, Southern California, "dude" (male) is also not uncommon.  (Seriously, it's not uncommon.)

In Israel, it's a little bit more complicated.

There are several stores where I have shopped over the years in Jerusalem.  In the beginning, I was "adon" (sir), of course.  But, after a while, a long while, of repeat business, and the occasion chat about the news or the weather, I was promoted to "haver" (friend).  In a few cases, especially where I chat quite a bit with some of the regular employees, I have graduated to "ahi" (my brother).

To the oleh haddash, I really want to emphasize how hard it can be in Israel to break into a friendship circle.  Many native Israelis have been in the same group of friends for years, some from Kindergarten through army service.  Do not be discouraged.  Do not misinterpret any lack of smile or interest in engaging in conversation as rudeness (...as so man Americans like to interpret it as such).  It's all about the investment of social energy, when or when not to invest it.

So, what's the problem?

Sometimes, because of my age, I have been called "dod" (lit. "uncle," but any male relative really).  This term is reserved for those having reached a certain age.  Although I am not exactly sure as to which age that is.  "Dod" also happens to stem from the same root as "yedid," (friend), but on a lesser level than "haver" (friend).

Lately, and more and more often, people have been calling me "Abbaleh" (daddy).

(sigh)

To be honest, I am not exactly familiar with the connotation of this is a term.  However, when a man in his 30's is the one calling me "Abbaleh," it does not bode well with me.

Morfix Online Dictionary translates "Abbaleh" as "(colloquial) Daddy."

I suppose I should I ask a few native Israelis their thoughts on the use of this word.  In the meantime, I intend to sulk every time someone calls me this,...or ignore him.

Lady With Bags (גברת עם סלים)

Yom Yerushalayim 5770

Last week I was just minding my own business, shopping in the Shuq, when I noticed that several people were walking around wearing bright yellow shirts. I didn't think any of it, except thatperhaps they were pasing out fliers, or otherwise promoting some product or event.

Then I bumped into a friend, and we started talking. Of course, knowing him, he started shamelessly, yet innocently, flirting with one of the young ladies wearing a yellow shirt. She gave him a flier, and this is what it said:

Help Schlepping Heavy Bags

Are they heavy? Need help?

The “Lady With Bags” Project in the Mahane Yehudah Shuq has just begun, and it's here just for you.

From now on you will not need to stop every minute and rest – you will be able to get help. Volunteers dressed in yellow shirts are walking around the Shuq area, and are here just to help you!

Thursdays 4:00 PM – 7:00 PM

Turn to us, ask for our help, and we will assist you in carrying your bags to taxis and bus stops.

*Project in memory of Rabbi Morris Pekarsky from Hillel Council

Project Sponsors:
Amitai Foundation
Heart of the City Community Administration
Hillel, Hebrew University
City of Jerusalem

Mahane Yehudah Shuq Council

Remember you college's Hillel? Some were bigger than others; some of us got more of it than others. Nonetheless, this may be a project you may want to support, even if it's just complimenting the student volunteers you see, performing a very helpful and needed service.

After doing some reasearch, I discovered that the project's name may be based on a song of the same name, by Erik Einstein (1991). Here is the music video, done in the classic, silly Israeli, comedic style. Even if you do not understand Hebrew, you can still get the jist of it, just by watching.

Pre-Shabbath Treat: Aharit Hayamim

Erev Shabbath Qodesh Parshath Pinhas 5769

For the past couple of weeks I have seen the lead singer from Aharith HaYamim playing in Shuq Mahaneh Yehudah. This afternoon he was playing an interesting Eastern stringed-instrument, along with recorded or synthesized bass and percussion. I wish I could have hung out for a while, but had to run.

Aharith HaYamim plays a lot of Reggae style music, particularly Jewish music which has been adapted. They also play music which has a Mizrahi feel to it. I am not so familiar with them, but hope to hear and see more of them. I certainly believe they deserve our support. So, check them out, and even visit the Shuq on Erev Shabbath.

You can find them on Facebook and MySpace, and in concert at the at the Aharith HaYamim Festival on 16 Av/August 6.

Here is a sample of Aharith HaYamim, performing at a recent wedding.

ירמיהו לג
י כה אמר יהוה, עוד יישמע במקום-הזה, אשר אתם אומרים, חרב הוא מאין אדם ומאין בהמה--בערי יהודה, ובחוצות ירושלים, הנשמות מאין אדם ומאין יושב, ומאין בהמה. יא קול ששון וקול שמחה, קול חתן וקול כלה, קול אומרים הודו את-יהוה צבאות כי-טוב יהוה כי-לעולם חסדו, מביאים תודה בית יהוה: כי-אשיב את-שבות-הארץ כבראשונה, אמר יהוה.

Jeremiah 36
10 Thus saith the LORD: Yet again there shall be heard in this place, whereof ye say: It is waste, without man and without beast, even in the cities of Judah, and in the streets of Jerusalem, that are desolate, without man and without inhabitant and without beast, 11 the voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voice of them that say: 'Give thanks to the LORD of hosts, for the LORD is good, for His mercy endureth for ever', even of them that bring offerings of thanksgiving into the house of the LORD. For I will cause the captivity of the land to return as at the first, saith the LORD.

Heshy Fried (FrumSatire.net) Is Cool!

4 of the Fourth Month 5769

No, I am not being sarcastic, as you might think. Usually, you would be right to think I was being sarcastic,...but not this time.

So, there I was, minding my own business, just having bought the most amazing-looking half of a watermelon for Shabbath (jealous?) in the shuq, when I pass by this guy who I thought looked like a young version of Heshy Fried (FrumSatire.net).

I called out, "Heshy!" Not loud enough. "Heshy!!!" He turned around. "Heshy Fried?"

"Yeah?" he said.

I looked annoyed, saying, "What? You're in town, and couldn't even call??"

"Well, I don't even know you are. And, you obviously don't read my blog. Otherwise you'd know I was coming." He was smiling, though.

I told him who I was, that this kind of thing always happens to me in Jerusalem, and we started chatting in the middle of the closed shuq. I explained that I almost did not recognize him, as he looks a lot younger in person.

We talked about the requisite "Which bloggers have you met?" then started moving outside.

We made it outside, then just when we were acknowledging that we don't really read each other's blogs, we noticed where we were standing, right next to the Aroma Cafe Heshy immediately noticed that somehow looked out of place, to upscale for the shuq. I explained to him that it was worse than that. The Aroma Cafe was a "chain," and thus a big shanda that it dared deface the shuq with its tackiness.

(American Translation: What happens when a Gap or a Starbucks opens up in a cool, not-yet-trended-out street or neighborhood? It's the beginning of the end of that street or neighborhood's coolness.)

We decided to move on, and to get something to drink, seeing that we both had the time. When we sat down to our overpriced soda water (or, as you Nu Yawkers say, seltzer) and mint lemonade over crushed ice, needless to say NOT at that "chain store" Aroma Cafe, I found out why Heshy is so cool.

Even though I was being my typical airheaded, exhausted by Thursday, socially awkward, yet talkative self, that did not seem to bother him at all, and just seemed to go with it. A typical Capricorn, he seemed very down to earth yet confident.

We talked about Jerusalem, Israel, what he was doing here (I'll let him tell you.), and what I have been doing lately in my boring life. Somewhere in there, he commented about how much I looked like a "settler," which I though was kind of cool. He also asked me if Ya'aqov Ben-Yehudah was my real name. I asked him if he brought his bike. Of course, we also talking about blogging. He told me I could blog about this, and I told him he could blog about that. Where's the free WiFi in Jerusalem? I was going to buy a knife today, but how would it look (on the to the miqwah to tovel it with my other newly-purchased kitchen items) if a "settler" passed too closed to today's gay parade security area with a huge knife in his bag? You know, typical blogger stuff.

We got the bill, and after the requisite (Am I allowed to use this word twice in the same blog post?) argument over who was paying, we decided to go "Dutch."

We were walking the same way, so we left the shuq together. When I stopped to buy my four-pack of soda water (4 bottles for NIS 11, can't beat that), I realized I was short, and did not want to schlep to the bank machine with all of my shopping, and then schlep back. So, I asked him to front me the few sheqqels I needed, thus he got the drink-buying credit after all, yet another reason why Heshy Fried is cool.

After talking about what we were doing for Shabbath, we parted ways (at an undisclosed location), where I continued on home (at an undisclosed location), and he went off to do some investigative blogging (at an undisclosed location).

I don't know, Hesh. Did I just ruin your reputation? Did I overdo it? Sorry.

Only time will tell if Heshy lives up to this post. Will he plug my blog, like I am plugging his? Will I get a mega-bump in hits from it? And just how much will my blog rating on Technorati actually rise as a result?

Stay tuned....

*********

You can see Heshy Fried perform at the "Off The Wall" comedy club in the basement of Ben-Yehudah Street 34, Jerusalem (corner of King George Street). It's either on the night of July 4 or 5. I'm afraid I forgot. So, wait for Heshy to post about this, or call (050) 875-5688 (in Israel) for more information.

In the meantime, you can check out his Frum Satire YouTube Channel.